Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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