I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
