I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
