I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Im part way to drunk.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
