I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
