I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
