You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
