my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We don't watch enough power rangers
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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