Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
