Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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