hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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