i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
