We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
