One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
