it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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