The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You have to summon your inner elephant
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
