I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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