Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
