I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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