I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
