You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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