i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
