I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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