Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
