we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
