During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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