"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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