Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
