I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
