it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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