It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
