Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
