I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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