i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
