I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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