She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
