I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
