I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
