I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
