Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
