I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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