Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
