I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
