Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
