i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
