im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
