how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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