I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
