i permit you to call me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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