I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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