I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
